by Trish King

Having a happy relationship with your dog means learning how to work together. If there´s a topic you´d like to see Trish cover, email editors@fetchthepaper.com.

Dear readers: I received this letter in the mail, and thought you might enjoy reading it.

Open Letter to Dogs from The Wolf:

Lately it seems that people are throwing around that whole “dogs are wolves” thing again, complete with the words “Alpha,” “Dominance,” and “Submission.” We thought it was time to clear this up. There are some similarities, but come on! You guys are great, and I know we share the same DNA but wolves you are not!

First of all, who dresses you? Don’t you know that hunters aren’t supposed to stand out like women at a cocktail party? Good hunters blend into the background. That’s why we come in grays and blacks: it’s very hard to see us when we’re still, which we often are. You don’t see our tails wagging wildly whenever something new happens. Anyway, getting back to the clothing, have you ever seen a natural predator who is white? For that matter Mother Nature doesn’t seem to like white for most wild animals since every one of us has a vested interest in hiding every once in awhile. But you guys, well, just look at you! Most of you couldn’t stay hidden for more than a couple of seconds.

Speaking of looks, what happened to your legs? I admit that some of you guys are still okay in the leg department but dude, what did you let the humans do to the rest of you? How do you expect to catch a caribou when your legs are three inches long? Well, maybe I’m exaggerating but sometimes it’s just downright embarrassing.

One of the things we wolves are very good at is communicating our thoughts without words. Unlike your bosses we’ve never needed them. Our eyes, ears, muzzles, tails, and bodies say everything that’s necessary: love, hunger, fear, hatred, you name it. We were designed by the best. So, what do you do? You wreck it, that’s what. Some of you have faces that look like they were hit by a Mac Truck. How do you understand a dog who is wrinkling his nose at you if his nose is always wrinkled? And you’ve just downright eliminated some tails. Now that’s weird. How do you keep your balance? We won’t even speak about ears, except what happened to the elegantly designed prick ear? True, there are many breeds that have kept it (thank Wolf) but by the looks of them some of you would have a hard time hearing. And for those of you who have bangs we recommend that you cut them so you can actually see.

Then there’s the size question. Of course wolf size is perfect. Where we have to hunt big prey like caribou we tend to get pretty big ourselves. In places where the prey is smaller we are too. But five pounds is just too little for a wolf, and 200 pounds is over the top. What happened? I mean, how do you catch anything?

We have to talk about barking. Somebody forgot about the off button there. We wolves bark to let other wolves know where we are. We don’t go on and on and on. And forgive me but when you hunt, the idea is to sneak up quietly not go hog wild, barking like crazy, running around, and being disorganized. That’s what the pack is for. You disperse the pack, circle the prey, and then bingo, you get dinner!

Of course to get dinner you have to have a leader. I mean, everyone has to have a leader, right? Your humans are pretty bad at picking theirs but they try. There’s this idea that the big bad alpha wolf is always dominating the other guys, growling, snarling, biting and even throwing them on the ground in an “alpha roll.” Now I admit that occasionally one of us adults has to give what for to the youngsters by pinning them but it’s pretty quick, really. After all most of us are related, and everyone has to learn how to behave. But we don’t spend a lot of time on discipline. Like you guys we hang around playing, grooming each other, and waiting to get hungry so we can go on another hunt. Mostly we sleep. Where we need the leader is when we start looking for food. Dad and Mom, oops, the “Alpha Pair” to you, generally know where to look and how to disperse the rest of us so that we can quietly, remember quietly, sneak up on our prey.

We were wondering about the ropes too. We really feel sorry for you guys being tied to the end of a leash but how come you have to have them? Can’t you just follow your leader like you’re supposed to? Why would you run away from the Ones Who Bring Food? And for Pete’s sake if you have to be attached to a rope you should be able to realize that continuing to pull on a rope that’s tied to your neck will probably just get you a sore neck and a lot of frustration.

Then there’s this aggression stuff . It’s true that pretty much every species gets angry and can do some damage (once again humans are better at this than anyone else). On the other hand, if you keep fighting other dogs then it’s sort of counterproductive. If another pack intrudes on our territory we mostly just chase ‘em off . Aggression usually ends up with somebody getting hurt, and that’s stupid since we need all our members for the hunt.

Now that I think about it though, maybe you guys aren’t so dumb. There are an awful lot of you and not so many of us. At least in some areas you are spoiled silly. While we’re freezing in the snow you’re lying on the carpet in front of the fire. When we’re boiling hot you’re in air conditioned homes. Most of you eat strange food out of a bag but you seem to get a lot of it, and I guess it’s not bad for you. Some of you guys are really rich! You have beds all over your house, you have yards of your own, and cars bought just for you. Some of you tell your humans what you want them to do, and they do it! Talk about cool: they get everything for you, and you get to be the leader anyway. Yeah, maybe a dog’s life isn’t what it used to be.

Still, do us a favor would you? Somehow get it through the humans’ heads that you’re not really wolves. If you can’t do that then give them this letter so they can tell the difference between what they think is a wolf and what is a real wolf. If you can’t do that then I guess just lie next to your fireplace and enjoy yourself.